I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always the good dude you see, I wasn’t always the one girls wanted to be with, I wasn’t different. Actually, for most of my time, I was the same kind of dog that I currently despise. The type who told lies to his girl and thought he was slick, thought I was getting away with cheating. I used to look her in her eyes and tell her I loved her. Then go right behind her back and make love to another woman like I forgot who my first woman was. Like I forgot my love.
Like I forgot who was there when there was no one else. Like I forgot who loved me for me, not for the person they saw, not for what they thought I should be. She loved me for me. Not for what I did while I was between her thighs, not for making her cum more than twice a night, not because I was the best sex of her life but because inside? She saw me.She saw my raw emotions, saw me when I was broken, saw me when I was holding onto the world by a string and didn’t judge me. She just pushed me and constanty loved me, tried to find ways to do it perfectly consistently. And I persistently insisted on pushing her away because I wanted more pussy.
I wanted to have sex with other chicks whose encounters with me wouldn’t amount to shit. Past me sliding into them and sliding them out of the crib for fear of my girl finding out. So what was it really about? I sit back now and ask myself. Was it really worth it? It used to break my heart to see her cry so I lied and tried to cover it all up…What the fuck? I ended up shattering myself because I abused the best and tried to surpress real love by indulging in lust. In the end, I ended up in shambles, scrambling to piece together my heart and find another girl who could replicate that thing that me and her had. Love.
Everytime, I fell short of it so perhaps the truth is, I lost it forever? Maybe I’ll never feel it again? Am I destined to remain “solo” because of how I tortured real love? Because all I wanted to do was fuck and didn’t give a fuck about HER feelings while I was cheating? But no, I don’t believe that’s how it’s supposed to go for me. Everybody makes mistakes.
I’m past the mistakes I’ve made and currently? I don’t see myself making the same ones, I’ve learned from them….That’s what makes me DIFFERENT. I didn’t give up on love, even though I fucked it up once and other times it’s crushed me. The beauty in life is the fact that you get to try again, if your mistakes don’t kill you. And what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger so I’m strong enough to know that when I feel love again? I won’t let it go…And I won’t fuck it up over lust and the hoes.
R. $olo
Peep The Pen 